12 August 2017

NOT ALL WHO WONDER ARE LOST



When I first read, not all who wonder are lost, somewhere which I can't re-call unfortunately it made me smile so hard. I'v been searching for the right words to leave my lips for a long loong time and when I read those words, I just felt lifted.


You see, I thought it would take me a lot longer to deal with the fact, (actually I haven't finished dealing but I am moving upwards rather downwards) that I am a survivor of sexual assault. I am. And one day I had to stop looking at myself as tainted and ugly, used and worthless, I had to stop blaming myself for the fact and realise the truth. I didn't want to be associated with the word rape or forced upon. You see, the truth was too hard at the time so I let myself believe everything was my fault so that the pain wouldn't be so bad, twisted thinking I know, I could just hate myself and continue on with that, I almost enjoyed being sad about it because time would flash by quicker when I cried, days would end deeper in darkness and it somehow made me feel good to hurt, to feel. But fortunately, I had a couple people that reminded me of my strength, my beauty, my character and kept telling me otherwise. Doctors telling me, no your still a virgin. Still. It wasn't by choice, so you still are. That didn't make me feel better though, just reminded me of what was taken and lost. So I clung onto the voices that said, you. will. recover.

I am strong. I am beautiful. I am broken. I am healing. I am growing. I am re-learning myself. I am re-loving myself. I will make it. I am strong. I am wondering. I am finding. I am reaching. I am being. I am taking. I am re-building. I am achieving. I am falling. I am recovering. I am persevering. I am strong.

And I tell myself these things every single day. In fact as I'm writing this post, I am entirely sunken into my bed after watching Just Wright (you know that great film with Queen Latifah and Common and the girl who moves her head like a chicken) yeah, that movie, and it made me remember some bad things. Flashbacks to that night and I found myself not wanting to cry, but wanting to type. Wanting to just release that energy somewhere in some form that didn't result in me taking a step backwards in my recovery.

Unfortunately for me, I have battled and dealt with a lot before this happened, so you can only imagine what measures I took to forget, but as I said in my last post, for the past almost 2 months now, I have been training my mind to re-route itself and not jump straight to survival. I have been dealing, I have found ways to deal; yes, I get my nightmares, yes I am still incredibly stressed and sad sometimes, yes, I have a lot of repairs to do within my own mind, body and soul, but these things will repair in time and I will not rush to keep up with the worlds momentum. In that I mean, I can't afford to rush because the world needs me to be 100% right now, I am making sure I deal and heal properly so I don't get smacked in the face one day with the pain I didn't face. I look around sometimes sad that my career isn't where I would like it to be, but I forget that life has happened well and true to me and hasn't allowed me to get there yet. Things happen and we can't always control the outcomes. But I'm also not going to use these things as excuses and give up, I will continue to strive for what I want well at least attempt to achieve my ambitions anyhow.

I don't know what I'm really trying to say here, but I just needed to type and say, we are all in the struggle together. Life is so testing and I honestly sometimes wonder what is the point. But I look at my bookshelf and my art, I look at my work and I remind myself of my talents, my beauty, my strengths, I remind myself that everyone, including me, has something to offer the world and severe situations may happen to try and prevent you from shinning; but we can't let that happen. I'm being strong for myself, even at sad moments in time like right now, as I listen to my default contemporary classical piano tracks, I am determining that this sad moment has only 30 minutes left to fester and then I'm back to work. My strength may not be 100% true at the moment but after time it will be....I know....done it before....it's a trauma, yes, but I can overcome, and I will remain shouting that at myself to make sure my light does not turn out.

Thanks for reading if you actually got to the end of that ramble... those who did, heres a little poem I done about my beloved poetry

My saving grace
My blinding safe
My heart to the beat my rice to the meat, my ice to the cream my dumpling to the feast.
Poetry
It has been a blessing to live on this earth with it,
Married to it eat it speak it breath it want it yearn it grateful for it dance to it make love to it be with it.
Poetry
My saving grace
My everything in-between the twisting tunnels,
The dungeons of my thoughts where the dark one lurks,
My resource to light when the eclipse inevitably approaches,
My acceptance when the world doesn't allow me grace. 

I won't be erasing the poems that have been written through my pains by the way.... those are too deep to share here but when I publish, I will make sure to let you know, those poems are a part of my story and so as sad and depressing as they are, they are the truth. I am dealing with depression and many other things, but that is my story. Whether I like it or not.

Learning to love yourself again is such an interesting journey. It has taken some turns thus far. I must admit that. But it's a ride, one that I am beginning to truly treasure and eventually I will look up one day, time would of past, things will be accomplished, events would of taken place and the pain will be a memory, a learning curve, a change. But I will love myself as I am and will love the person I was and will become as I am already trying to do today.

I am wondering to my future, wondering strong and with a purpose, but I am not lost.

Renae
x



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